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Let's Face it. The Americans are just no good at using simple words, like sorry.
It’s been over a week since American wooden flooring giants, Lumber Liquidators, were accused of selling cheap Chinese laminate flooring with excessive amounts of formaldehyde to our precious little American friends. But something still smells a little funny to me, because since their board of directors decided to try and appease investor fears in a one hour phone call yesterday, their stock rose 13%. So what exactly did they say in this one hour pitch to some bunch of overweight American mafia bosses disguised as investors, to make their shares jump so much.
Well, we don’t need to know exactly what they said, but the moment I saw the words, ‘Regulatory’ ‘concerned customers’ ‘fully compliant,’ and ‘stringent standards’ all wrapped up together in some poetic fashion, I smelt something that resembled the insides of cows backside. They obviously didn’t take any notice of what I had to say, otherwise they would have done just a little bit of grovelling and said, sorry. Instead, a bunch of huge overweight American board directors at Lumber Liquidators, told an equally large bunch of American mobster investors, that formaldehyde is ‘A naturally occurring chemical that is all around you, in the air, in plants and animals, including in humans,” Well, that’s just fine then. So instead of breathing it in naturally, and dying slowly of formaldehyde poisoning, what we’re going to do, is stick a bit more formaldehyde in our Chinese made laminate floors, so you can all drop dead just a little bit quicker. Sounds like a fair statement to issue to the mob bosses.
The American public don’t want to hear that ’60 Minutes’ were exaggerating their claims regarding formaldehyde. What they want to hear is that the huge overweight golf playing board of Lumber Liquidators is going to suspend sales of their laminate flooring, till some professor with a serious looking face and a bow tie, does a thorough investigation on their Chinese made laminate flooring.
Since 60 minutes broke their story, their stock has plummeted 50%, sales have fallen by over 10%, and consumer concerns have doubled.
But as always, I have a plan, and this is what I would do. Get the nice professor with the bow tie to run some tests on formaldehyde levels, and if the test shows the Chinese really are trying to poison everybody, then the huge overweight board can simply jump onto their corporate jet, fly to their corporate Island, and do some corporate entertaining for about, Oooo, 50 years or so.
OK Ok I’m just teasing about the overweight board before anybody wants to sue me. Having seen Tom Sullivan the chairman of Lumber Liquidators in action, he is doing his best to protect his products against the allegations brought by ”60 Minutes”. It’s just that, well, he’s losing.
But if 60 Minutes are wrong, then simple. Sue 60 minutes for trillions, have a huge fire sale of half price laminate flooring, say sorry to the Americans for any worries they may have had, and watch your stock go flying through the roof.
Failing that, call Gerald Ratner. Or, buy some shares in Lumber Liquidators.