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If there’s one thing I really hate it’s a player that owns a backgammon board that is made of anything other than wood

My Backgammon Wooden Floor Board.

There is no question that I am the greatest backgammon player that ever lived since Omar Sharif, and that’s the end of that. I am a master tactician, a strategic genius, and every game I ever play with an opponent is quite simply war. I am also certain that any backgammon player reading this will feel exactly the same. You see, backgammon is about the most ungentlemanly game I have ever played, with the only etiquette being verbal abuse. Tell somebody you play tennis and it’s ‘Oh what kind of racket do you have, where do you play, we must have a game sometime. I’m sure you’re better than me’ There’s immediate respect. Tell somebody you play backgammon and listen to the tirade of abuse that is hurled at you the moment you tell them how good you are. A match is fixed immediately and the insults are traded. Well, that’s what happens with the crowd I run with, and I must say that they are all excellent players’. Just not as good as me.

If there’s one thing I really hate it’s a player that owns a backgammon board that is made of anything other than wood. I can’t believe they even exist, because it’s imperative that the pieces slide round the board fluently, otherwise it’s just irritating. But having just bought a board for a friends’ birthday, I’ve been disappointed in the quality of boards available. So I’m going to have one made in our workshop. You see we’re quite innovative at Turgon, and we don’t just make wooden floors. We’ve made all sorts of amazing things from wood, and in fact we are so enthused with our latest project in wood, we’re going to go into full manufacture next year. And our new wooden product is going to be earth shatteringly great.


But I’ve decided. I love the game so much, that I think I will rip half of my existing wooden floor out of my front room and create one enormous backgammon board made form exotic timbers. I’m thinking Wenge, maple, rosewood and even Purple Heart to create something dazzlingly spectacular. I can’t help thinking that a player of my caliber, magnitude and sheer brilliance warrants such a magnificent centre piece.

There are all sorts of designs you can create with wooden flooring, and it doesn’t have to cost a fortune. You just have to be a little creative that’s all. Traditionally the great British public has been quite conservative when it comes to wooden flooring. But it’s changing, and it’s changing fast. Over the past couple of years, designers have started to understand that they can create fabulous designs using all sorts of timbers and colored finishes, turning an otherwise bland project into something truly dynamic. I love some of the wacky designers we work with, but I wish there were more brave enough to push the traditional boundaries to the limits, and allow their own creative juices to flow.

Last night I played backgammon with one of the regular clowns. He is the luckiest most obnoxious foul mouthed impudent imp, who is devoid of any talent, has no style or strategy, and plays like a wimp.

I lost.

I may just give the backgammon board in the middle of my room a miss. Maybe I’m not so great.

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