All the latest news
It doesn't matter whether you're in the wood flooring business or writing 50 shades of porn. Its all about the way that you do it
Haven’t read the book, haven’t seen the movie, I don’t intend to read the book, and I don’t intend to see the movie. So how do I know that 50 Shades of Grey is complete and utter rubbish? Simple. Because half the planet is talking about it, 100 million people have read it, and still not one person has come up to me to say, ‘You MUST read this book.’ According to my oldest and most trusted friends, I’d done most things in this book by the time I was about 17 years old, and somehow managed to avoid arrest. Yet bored housewives across Hampshire are fainting at the mere mention of page 78, and by the time they’ve reached page 116, they’re ready to have sex with their own husbands again. It’s the sort of thing I read about in Penthouse and Mayfair magazine when was nine years old, except the articles were written by somebody who could string a real erotic sentence together. And yet some bored housewife with a midlife crisis from Ealing who wrote some semi-literate porn, has been named one of the world’s 100 most influential people by Time magazine. Has the world gone stark raving mad?
We’ve produced over 500 shades of wooden flooring over the past 15 years, many of them grey, and a huge variety of unique surface finishes that have adorned some of the most beautiful residencies in the UK. Sadly, and perhaps not surprisingly, nobody has ever called us ‘influential’. Yet write some porn, and all of a sudden you’re elevated to being one of the most important and influential people to have walked the planet. So, I’ve been doing some thinking on how to elevate Turgon to ‘influential’ on a global scale. And I think I’ve come up with a plan.
Now, in order for my plan to work, somebody has actually got to follow through, so I’m banking on some customer participation. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to label all our floors with erotic sounding names, like ‘Whip my Walnut’ and ‘Light Spanking Oak’ and wait for a bored Hampshire housewife to come into our showroom dressed in killer heels, stockings, skirt, sexy underwear, etc., etc., ready to create the ultimate fantasy. The willing participant only has to purr gently by her favourite sexy-sounding wooden floor, and this will be the cue for our showroom manager to jump into action. He will be ready waiting and armed with half the contents of B&Q at his disposal. At this point I’m afraid I can’t give you any more details, because if it’s going to go viral, global, international etc., etc., the rest has to be conducted in top secret. So we will all have to wait for the outcome and result. But I can tell you what it will achieve:
It will identify the sexiest sounding wood floor species known to man.
We will have created our own story, ‘50 Shades of Wooden Flooring’ with our own customer in a real life situation.
1 – Turgon will become famous for having the most erotic wood floor showroom on earth.
2 – One bored Hampshire housewife will have a story to tell that will be passed on to generations of bored housewives throughout the world. For eternity.
3 – Finally, it will assure my position in wood flooring history. Talks with presidents and business leaders throughout the world will follow, and a string of otherwise mundane newsagents will become eco-erotic shops after being influenced by my new business style. I will breathe a whole new life and meaning into the pawn shop.
In short, what Mrs James has done has been done a zillion times before, just like different wooden floor finishes have been done a zillion times before. But perhaps she did it a little better, just like we do our wood floor finishes better than any other company. And that, dear reader, is the difference.
It’s not what you do, it’s just the way that you do it.
If, however, for some unknown reason my plan doesn’t work out, don’t worry, there’ll be other important documents with my name on.
Like a warrant for my arrest.